i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
