she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
