I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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