I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
