If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
