kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
