Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
