i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
