Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
