and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
