Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
