i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize