Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
