Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
