it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
