Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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