My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize