So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
