I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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