so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
