Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize