Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
