he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
