Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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