What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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