But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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