drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
