So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
