I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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