thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
