Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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