I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need a beard to bite.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
