I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
