I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
