i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
