Your mouth is God's brothel.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
