i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
