Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize