dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
