you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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