When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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