I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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