I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
