babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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