I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
