god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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