My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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