life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize