grandma shit on top of the toilet
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
im on a boat
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