Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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