dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can't special order awesome
I feel great
I just peed on a car
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
