My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
