I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
