Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
