I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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