If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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