i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
