I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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