One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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