I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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