is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
