break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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