Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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