man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
