there was a trapeze. enough said
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
